I want Discovery to be this mess of a ship that’s mostly scientists and they struggle to obey orders and keep their act together and Captain Georgiou comms in occasionally like, “Hey guys, just so you know all the cargo doors on the starboard side of your ship are open. Have been all week. Get your shit together.”
“Shenzhou to Discovery. You accidentally sent out a distress call containing only the chef’s dinner menu. Again. I think the x'pata took it as a threat. Just a heads up”.
“Shenzhou to Discovery. Are you aware you have someones entire docking port attached to you? You do?…. Do you need help removing it? …. We’ll send someone over…”
“Shenzhou to Discovery, you’re moving in reverse, is everything alright?… No, the main window in the Bridge faces forwards… You’re straining your engines, I’ll have to insist you go forwad from now on… Yes, you’re welcome, Discovery.”
Aboard the Shenzou
“Captain, we have an incoming distress call”
“Who is it Lieutenant?”
“….”
“Lt.?”
“…..”
“It’s Discovery isn’t it.”
“Yes, Sir”
*Long Exasperated sigh* “What Now”
“They took the engines offline for an internal diagnostics, but they can’t restart…”
“… Shenzhou to Discovery…”
“Shenzhou to Discovery, you aren’t moving, what’s the problem… I see… Did you disengage the external inertial dempeners?”
“Discovery, we have been trying to contact you for a week? What is happening?”
“We are sorry for the delay Shenzhou. Some of our scientists got drunk last Thursday and long story short: Deck 4 is now a tropical rain forest inhabited by a new species of technologically advanced orchids”
“Shenzhou to Discovery, just checking in, how are thing?… What do you mean you don’t understand?… I see. Well, I’ll think you’ll get what I’m about to say from my tone: Fix your damn universal translators!”
“Shenzhou to Discovery, are you aware that you’re going in circles?”
“Yes, someone’s fungus got loose and colonized the controls. We’d remove it, except that it seems to have become sentient, and insists we communicate only in klingon opera. We’ll be get back to you.”
“Shenzhou to Discovery, your warp engines are blinking on and off, are you having technical difficulties again?”
“Um, no, we’re using them to transmit Morse code messages to a pulsar which may or may not show signs of intelligence.”
“Shenzhou to Discovery, are you aware that there is a man dangling from the air seal?”
“Oh, yeah, that’s Morris. Don’t worry about him, he’s fine.”
“WHY?”
“It’s an intimidation tactic.”
“How are you…why did you…Discovery, I swear in the name of all that is good and holy, GET HIM OUT OF THERE.”
“Shenzou to Discovery, please stop butt dialing us”
“Shenzhou to Discovery… do you… do you require assistance? The alien… space jellyfish, uh, seems to have mistaken your warp nacelles for it’s mate…”