So I haven’t posted about this since college because I don’t think it’s ever happened to me since I got out of college, but a recent conversation reminded me that it’s still negatively affecting lots of other people, so:
Lots of people find it distressing to be asked their pronouns. They might be trans and not out, or trans and out to some of the people present but not all of them, or not sure if they’re trans, or entirely cis and just really hate being asked to think about the question. I personally freak out about ‘preferred pronouns’ because it makes me go “uh, I don’t really prefer ‘she/her’, I’d much rather be parsed as a genderless amorphous being, but I don’t prefer that strongly enough to go through the hassle of trying to get people to actually see me that way, especially since I’m not really sure it’d work, and people will get confused by ‘they/them’, and if I express a pronoun preference then I’ll be more upset about people getting it wrong than if I don’t, and aaaaaahhh I prefer not to be in a social context where I have to have this thought process it makes me sad!!!”Other people find it affirming, and that’s legitimate too. There are definitely competing needs here. But I think, since there are competing needs, you at least need to allow for an exit strategy for the people who will be harmed by pressure to come up with an answer.
So: “nametags are here, also feel free to put pronouns on your nametag if you want” is great. “nametags are here, put your name and pronouns!” or “why aren’t there pronouns on your nametag?” are going to cause stress and potentially cause harm.
“Share any of ‘favorite animal, best concert you’ve been to recently, and preferred pronouns, but feel free to skip any of those if you’re coming up empty’” is a decent way to handle competing needs if you’re doing “go around in a circle and introduce yourself”. And if you’re doing introductions with pronouns and someone doesn’t volunteer a pronoun, don’t remind them; the risk they skipped it on purpose and you’re putting them on the spot is not worth the benefits of getting an answer if they just forgot.
Gender sucks. When we’re trying to make it better for people, we need to keep making sure there are doors open to flee screaming ‘aaaah fuck gender’.#yeah also some trans people can get worried if they’re asked their pronouns #especially if they’re stealth for their privacy and safety and it can seem like they’re not passing #passing isn’t important to everyone but it is important to some people #also if you’re only asking the pronouns of anyone in a group #who seem gender ambiguous #you’re really putting a target on people’s backs #the logic and often intention behind asking pronouns seems to be coming from a good place #but you have no idea how safe a room is #and you have no idea what’s going on with the other people in it #fostering safe environments for people to be open about their pronouns #(especially if they use “’‘non-obvious”“ pronouns wrt their gender presentation) #is a good thing #but there is no way to one size fits all transness #and your priority should be keeping trans people safe and comfortable #not scoring ally points
(via @ashkiepassing)
| Via: feypact |
